Distractions

A lot of things have kept me away.

I lost something important and have been trying to get it back. I was trying to finish another draft and succeeded. I looked for new ways to make stories, ways that didn't include the trappings of coercion and mind control.

I managed to get a few more query letters sent out over the past few days, all while eliciting the aid of a couple more people to tell me how good/bad/otherwise Vitamin F might be. Now I'm digging around on Mind & Machine again, making some interesting progress on it.

Break It Down Again

I get pulled into this whirlwind from time to time and I do what I can to control it.

I had a friend recently hook up with a woman who I don't think was worth his time. A destructive sort of individual that just made me see how easy it is to have dreams taken away. It got me working on Vitamin F in a way I haven't in a while. I'd been working on it, but not with strict regularity and diligence.

Of course, I've had something else play out as well. I'm trying to let go of someone close to my heart but not my life. It's one of those things I need to do so I can be free enough to be happy, but damn it, it just feels wrong sometimes. To put it in a little perspective, I don't know the moment I became friends--not acquaintances, but friends--with any of my friends, except for one.

How can I put my feelings for someone aside in my heart as well as in my life? I've had to shield my real feelings for Lyndsey from her for a long time. I don't know how to really do that without putting aside the feelings of friendship I have for her as well. It's a difficult thing and I don't want to think that I've just squandered or lost a real friend just because I couldn't really come to terms with the fact that, well, I can't have her.

That being said, it could easily be just a feeling I have for the moment. It could pass in time. Things could improve and I may even, someday find an awesome girl to be close friends with. But right now, I'm going to try and just worry about my writing. That's what's going to get me everything I really want in the long term anyway.

Then There Were Two

It's been a while since it first happened. Angie finished reading the first full draft of Vitamin F some time ago, probably about ten to twelve months ago. And as much as I'd like for a few others to read more of it, no one else has finished reading it up to this point.

That's what changed sometime in the last few days. About a month ago, I copied all of draft two for Rocky to read. A short while ago, he told me he'd finished reading it and was ready to give me notes. Should be fairly interesting.

As many people as I've got reading Vitamin F, I think, interestingly enough, that the next who finishes will have read draft three, which I just think is a bit funny and a bit sad.

Recruits

I managed to get two more people to at least express interest in reading my work today. Plus, yesterday I realized there was someone I should have asked about Vitamin F a long time ago.

Why the sudden shift? Why the beta reader recruitment drive? I was reading "The Warrior," by Jim Butcher (it's the newest Dresden Files novella) and it ends with a character remarking how people rarely take the choices they're offered to make their lives better. That's absolutely true and I knew that I needed to do something to get my act in gear.

By the end of the week, at last two people will have read my work for the first time. One of those was earlier today and was pretty close to the target demographic for Vitamin F.

Rebuilding

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever received came from one of my thesis committee members, Dr. Eddleman. In regard to my thesis, he said I had to get going on it for one reason, "You're the only one who can make yourself do it." I might not have the quote exactly right, but it's sound reasoning. It's one of the things I used to push myself just a little more as I wrote the first draft of Vitamin F.

Now that the Fall 2008 semester has started at SEMO, I know the time I have left on my thesis is truly limited. I have to find a few values (which are doing their best to hide from me) and apply them to a modeling program. Once I have that, I find out what Dr. Scheibe thinks we need from that, extract it, and describe the whole thing in the text of my thesis. I've just got to find those values first.

My time in the sciences has fueled a lot of how I work and think. It would be unfair for me to not also mention that one of my coworkers has pointed out that I have an interesting contradiction: I'm scientific and logical on many fronts, all while being emotional and passionate at the same time. Do I blatantly advertise these things? No, I reserve them as the samurai would.

And, just as the samurai would, I let go of "making myself write." I found the writer in me again, along with the scientist and the guy who reads novels during lunch breaks. During the downtimes at work this evening, I managed to transcribe three pages, solidly describing Commander's interrogation methods. I'm slowly building to him saying to his victim the line, "I am the whirlwind." I'm looking forward to trying to get there.

As for Vitamin F, Bridgett's tale needs time to rest still. I've already started to make notes--with pen and paper--on how I can better enhance a few things. Chapters 19 and 20 still have their issues, so I might have to recruit Lyndsey's active advice on the solutions I have. (I'd post them here, but I'm not sure I'd get any feedback to speak of.)

Ruling the World

I've mentioned hidden agendas in writing before, along with subversive messages. I bring it up again because I've figured out the secret message hidden in my lead characters. This applies to The Golden Hollow as much as it applies to Vitamin F, or Ashes of War. My lead characters, to some noticeable degree, are looking for an intimate companion (or soul mate if you prefer that term).

And I never thought I'd listen to much Coldplay, much less buy one of their albums. However Viva La Vida or Death And All His Friends is actually quite good. The track "Yes" speaks to a lot of the themes and ideas I've been contemplateing in the past few weeks, while "Viva La Vida" could be a theme to an older version of Commander; and, yes, it does primarily discuss the trials of a deposed ruler.

I also started up another little project. Why I Shouldn't Rule The World is a blog designed as a satirical message of policies I would enact if I were to gain undisputed rule over a country of great influence (like this one). Check it out, comment on it. All comments are going to be accepted as "the voices of the people."

Quarter-Life Crisis and Solutions

In short, I don't feel like I've accomplished much, I'm increasingly apathetic when I'm with friends (I don't mean to be, honest), I'm feel a great deal of loneliness, I see other people's personal successes when I see none for myself, and I have "the worst luck ever" when it comes to trying to get a date. These are all listed reasons for a Quarter-Life Crisis.

So I've asked myself two questions to solve this. 1. How did this happen? 2. What can I do about it?

How did this happen?
Around July 4th, I was bad low on funds (another indicator), and I went to Oran to spend the day with a few friends at the Madcackler's place. It was a good time and we even blew some shit up. Then this little bitch shows up; she's nice enough, "neighborly" to use an archaic term. She brings over more explosives and sort of hits on all four of us there, even though she's in high school, and we're all college or later. The little bitch talks with us about anime and manga, so we don't think she's a bitch at all. She asks about playing Halo 3, so we do that.

Side note--I suck at Halo 2 and 3. I don't own them, nor do I own the machines they're played on. And I don't like to spend my time engaging in things that will piss me off, which vapid assholes and fratboys (the target audience of Halo 2 and 3) do frequently.

The little bitch brings her X-Box over, the Cackler sets everything up, and we play. All gametypes I really suck at too, so all I can do with any degree of success is kill myself. Eventually, the little bitch mentions how she manged to beat "the old guy," hence the title I've bestowed on her.

Being called "the old guy" was the keystone that started everything going wild. From there, I had to chaos of my actual birthday just over a week later. That was one really shitty day, until Joe and Angie gave me an impromptu birthday (cup)cake and gift (a Milton Berle quiote plaque). It was really nice and that turned things around. Then Lyndsey went out of her way and did something too.

I said before that Lyndsey was either the exact right or exact wrong person to do something for me under that situation. I've mentioned her on here before, and while I've told her about this blog, I don't think she reads it (which is why I could get away with what I'm about to say). She's a good friend, the Ideal Reader for Vitamin F, and I really, really, really like her. I'm incredibly attracted to her and have had to fight myself on that on repeated occasions. (And Lyndsey, if you do read this, I'm fairly certain that you're already aware of the fact that I like you.)

For a few weeks, I had good reason to think I had a real chance with Lyndsey. I don't now, but it's not because of anything I did. Things got better for her, that's all. To go into any more detail would derail the whole reason behind this post. However, I can say that, as of late, I've felt like real shit because of that whole situation. I've felt like I have to do something, but I have no idea what that might be.

What can I do about it?
I can't do anything about Lyndsey, but I can do plenty about me. I console myself with the harsh adage that "If it were easy, I wouldn't want it," something I thought of to apply toward writing, but I think it can be applied toward everything that's worth having.

I started something else, too. Any time I feel like shit, from now on, I'm going to try to do something nice for someone else. I'll give out compliments, or tell people reassuring things. I'm going to eventually give a random card to those three friends who spontaneously did something for me at work on my birthday. I've started sending out e-mails to everybody on my e-mail list, a few at a time, just telling them five things that I think when I think about them.

Maybe, when I get to the bottom of that list, I might feel a little more like my old self. I don't know, but it's the only thing I've though of so far, so that's what I'm doing. When my brain works right again, I'll really get some writing done as well.

Sometimes The Juice Is Worth The Squeeze

Ever wonder if something is worth the effort? Of course you have, you wouldn't be alive otherwise.

I've been dealing with a few varied things lately--a pretty girl, my thesis, writing Mind & Machine, undue stresses at work. I told myself yesterday that I had to find a way to relax before Monday or I would absolutely go insane. My way of accomplishing this: watching the movie The Girl Next Door.

Surprisingly great movie. It's got some of the most absurd laughs ever in a movie. More than that, it has a serious dark side that lets to story grow in ways that a coming-of-age comedy usually wouldn't have. It's also a really good modern example of the Joseph Campbell's Cycle of the Hero. And it's a story about a guy who has big dreams finds the right girl, even though he has to confront "moral fiber" in order to be with her; a character I can obviously relate to.

Other news, I found a good beat to write on for Mind & Machine. I've been wanting to explore the tension of Commander and Kathryn's mental interaction in a physical scene (rather than trying to describe a dreamscape or an astral plane). I realized one of the key weaknesses Kathryn has in this story is her relationship with a man named James. I wanted to give her a good man to date, someone who would make the world a better place, if only by example. Kathryn, in the new scene, has just seen James' picture for the first time after going through her book-long ordeal and comes to understand not only what she's lost, but one of the causes for that loss.

Tomorrow should be fun. I gave myself two options. Option one is to ask the previously-mentioned pretty girl to go to lunch with me sometime. Option two is to have someone beat the shit out of me. Hopefully, I'll choose option one. After all, I think the juice is worth the squeeze. (If you've seen The Girl Next Door, you'll understand that line.)

Mission Accomplished

I managed to get a query letter into the mail today. I picked Jim Butcher's agent, Jennifer Jackson, because she loves science fiction and is interested in other genres as well. Since I've read that it's a good idea to query several agents at once, I may try to go through the list again soon and send another letter to one or two more agents.

Also, things may start moving forward on my thesis again. I'm still getting some meeting times sorted out with Scheibe. Once that happens, we'll start ironing out what needs to be done next. Maybe I'll get this thing done right after all.

I wish there was more to say right now, but I don't know if anyone's even reading this anymore.

Crunch Time

With only a handful of days left in the current cycle, I find myself narrowing in on agents. I could have met that goal a few days ago, but aside from getting a query letter out there, I need to do it right also.

Good news! It's a suppository!

No, it's actually that I've got the query letter done, with the exception of filling in addresses and putting in a line appropriate for the agent I'll contact. I'm still figuring out which agent to send to first. I'd send to both, but since they're from the same agency, it's best to give one a shot, then, if necessary, approach the other.

Bad news... It's a suppository!

Actually, I've got to write another synopsis. I wrote the big one, rolling in a 27 pages. The other day I started a new one, aiming at a 10-12 page length, but I found that the length I needed was one or two pages. Joy.

But I'm almost there. Just a little further...

Progress Abounds

I finally finished draft two. I can see where the wrecking ball is going to strike a few big chunks and knock down the house.

My current focus is on Mind & Machine, trying to get some progress there. Starting about... now, I'm going to hunt down an agent.

I've got to keep going. I'm going to make it if I keep trying.

Finding Flaws

My recent discussions with a few people have helped me see what areas of Vitamin F really need work. I'm going to keep going on the current draft of course, if for no other reason than to lay a foundation for the real work that draft three will bring with it.

I think the next move, once I've finished with draft two and put forth an attempt at getting an agent, will have to be making a list of what needs to be fixed, chapter by chapter.

In the past couple of days, I've had a few real fights with the last fifth of the book. The tough stuff is still just that. I'll get through it.

Characters Need More Character

This is what Lyndsey has told me several times. It's not that all my characters need to be badasses, and not all of them need work. She finds a lot of fault with the machinations of super sorority girl Marissa and non-conformist Delilah.

Lyndsey's comments have been among the most direct I've ever been given. Partially because she's not one to glaze over her feelings about something, partially because she's in my corner. She likes my writing style, my pacing, my plot, the twist. She even told me in a bit of speed talking that she likes Bridgett, Penelope, Oriane, and the cupcake.

I'm so glad everybody likes the cupcake.

A lot of this comes from an extensive e-mail conversation I had with Lyndsey over the past few days. As I said, she gave me some direct comments on my work, but she also gave me some very kind words of encouragement.

My only dread now is that she's going to really, really hate Chapter 47. It was the hardest chapter for me to write, one of the hardest to edit, and if everything stays on track, I get to edit it again within a week.

It shows that I care about these characters when I don't want to see their absolute darkest moment. If it was a matter of guns, swords, or explosions, I wouldn't have much problem with it. Gore isn't too much a problem for me either, being a biologist and a fan of Berserk. It's the emotional vacuum. It's the animality of the chapter. But I never advertised Vitamin F as being an entry for happy time theater.

Good news is that I'm going to finish draft two with about 45 days to spare on the current 100-day cycle.

Gaining Momentum

Did something really cool a few days ago: I managed to edit a handful of chapters in a day. I managed to do it for two days in a row, all without losing my usual pace.

Crossed an interesting bridge with Mind & Machine. I know exactly what I'm building toward, so much that I now know what the cover looks like. Heiroglyphs depicting the basic history of the series from the battles that take place in Mind & Machine, to the eventual battles that could occur with The Golden Hollow.

Maybe I should draw the herioglyphs.

Am I Going Fast Enough?

I gave myself one hundred days. I've got sixty-one left.

Saturdays and Sundays seem to be terrible for trying to make any progress to speak of on the three goals. I've still got to make my way through 26 Chapters of Vitamin F.

I'm trying to consolodate my reading. Since I finished off Small Favor late last week, I've tried to stick with The Sword of Shannara, but I've gotten a bit of that sensation I get when I stop reading a book. Terry Brooks is a fine writer, but there are times when he just goes on and on with his descriptions. He sparingly adds characters and there's been a distinct sense throughout the book--there's a big world and we have to care about it. Some of those paragraphs just run on too damn long. The last chapter I read had three paragraphs in the first four pages.

I understand the need for long paragraphs. I wish I had longer paragraphs myself. But in modern commercial writing, shorter paragraphs make for a faster pace. There are two key notes my readers keep coming to me with after reading the first chapter of Vitamin F: "I really like Delilah," and "Where's the next chapter?"

Look at Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series. He uses some spectacular descriptions, but his paragraphs aren't usually all that long. He usually only needs about two sentences to describe how a place or a character looks. Richer detail comes from redressing those settings later.

So when I look at my text and see that I've slashed six pages, I feel a great sense of accomplishment, especially given all the factors that are making it take up more pages. But there are times when I look over a chapter and think about killing the whole thing--the chapter, not the book.

Starting Another Book

I finally filled the writing notebook that I carry around with me. The last bit I put in there was the direct aftermath of the battle between Commander and Dural that I mentioned previously. I've wasted little time trying to put notes in the new notebook.

My first notes in the new book are about Vitamin F. Oscar just started reading it and he quickly pointed a few things out. The largest matter was reiterating Lyndsey's comments about how it sounds like the writer is male even though the point of view character is female. He also pointed out the commercial value of having a cute little goth girl running around in firm good standing with Bridgett. This doesn't seem like a major statement, but he said it becuse he perceived some antagonism between the two, which comes from my erratic way of jumping between parts of the story.

The last bit I tossed into the book today was a couple of paragraphs from Mind & Machine where I start to show that Der Former may have more interest in Kathryn than he has in Commander.

Convention Time Again

I'm not talking about Wizard World. It's been several times since I've been to one of those and I knew as I left the last one, that the next time I returned would likely be in a professional capacity.

What I am referring to is the third annual Cape Comic Con (sometimes known as Ken Con). It just wrapped up and I think it was probably the biggest success yet. My services were drafted to serve as a judge for the costume contest on Saturday and that was a lot of fun; every one of the entries was really good, each having their own places to shine where the others didn't.

I took the opportunity to also pick up a few X-Men comics from the glory days of the franchise (the 1990s), along with an independent book called Bushi Tales. On Sunday, I dove head first into a HeroClix tournament, using the latest version of my Apocalypse team. I didn't find out until it was over, but the last game I was in was the championship match. I barely lost that one, but it was one of the best games I'd had in years.

With it being convention time, you'd think I wouldn't get any writing done. You'd be right and you'd be wrong. In the days leading up to the convention, I managed to keep that streak of editing one chapter a day going. I got through eight chapters in eight days before I slowed down. I also wrote a great sequence for Mind & Machine featuring a particularly cruel battle between Commander and the demon Dural.

But that leads things back to the the normal flow of things. I've got work again tomorrow, the first time I've had to go since last Wednesday. Regardless of that, I'm making a great deal of progress and I hope to meet all three of my goals yet. It's still a fine possibility.

Back on Track

In the past few days, I have edited one chapter of Vitamin F each day. I have also managed to transcribe a few pages of Mind & Machine. The most interesting thing about the whole process has been that I've been writing one-paragraph fights as part of a larger chaotic battle.

A few minutes ago, I started watching an odd anime series called Gasaraki. It's a very realistic take on mech anime, with more modern-day politics than you can imagine. (I never thought US grain prices would be a key plot point in a mech anime, but I was wrong.) It's also got ten tons of Shintoism--come for the mechs, stay for the ritual dancing--and ancient mechs called kugai.

So I take a moment to say that I haven't forgotten Ashes of War by any means. I'm not looking to reawaken it again yet, but I have far from forgotten about it.

I've also been reading three books at once. It's a crazy thought, but I've balanced it so far. At work, I read The Sword of Shannara by Terry Brooks; it's a solid bit of fantasy, although it leans on Tolkien a lot. At home, I read Small Favor by Jim Butcher, the lastest Dresden book. I'm also reading The Ruins by Scott Smith; it's a descriptive book with vivid images and characters who have little written out dialogue.

Things are on an upswing. Let's try to keep them that way.

Slacker of War

I was going to do a lot better. Then I found out that God of War II finally dropped to $20. I've been playing it way too much. It's a fun game, much more brutal than the original, although there are times I think it may be unnecessarily complicated.

Aside from that, I did make a little more progress. I've edited three more chapters of Vitamin F, two of those being fairly long. As far as page length, I've already shaved 4 pages from the book, and I'm just a little more than a thrid of the way through it. I remember the length arguement Stephen King made in On Writing: Second Draft = First Draft - 10%.

Mind & Machine isn't doing as well. I only transcribed a measly two pages from my notebook. I can do a lot better than that, and I have to. Although I can say that I've finally found a way to make one of the weirder plot wrinkles work with the overall story.

On a side note, one of my coworkers asked me through the course of conversation what my ideal woman would be like. I just pointed out a paragraph from Mind & Machine and let her read it.

The final of the three goals hasn't really been approached in the past week. I'm still well aware that I need to find an agent, but I haven't done much recently to find that agent. I figure this is something that will happen once I've got that second draft of Vitamin F finished.

Reinstituting the 100 Days

In the Fall, I decided at an arbitrary point to give myself 100 days to finish the first draft of Vitamin F. I didn't succeed in that regard, but I did make a lot of progress thanks to the added motivation of a deadline.

I noticed my lack of progress as of late and decided that I needed a splash of motivation. So, within 100 days, I've got a few goal that I need to have met, or at least made great progress with.

1. Have the next draft of Vitamin F finished. This doesn't just mean I've got another draft, it also means I've got the long synopsis to go along with it. For those who have been reading it, this doesn't affect anything with you. I'm giving myself a deadline. I won't put any such restriction on my readers.

2. Send at least one query letter to a literary agent. It's a big step, one I need to start pursuing. I've got a friend who writes and draws children's books. He's got amazing ideas and visuals, he just doesn't have someone who knows where and how to fight the battles to get his work published. For guys trapped in middle America, it's almost impossible to get noticed without help.

3. Have 1/3 of Mind & Machine typed out. I've been writing on this, just not typing it. I need to do more of both. I'm confident that I can make a lot more progress if I put forth the effort.

I'm going to try to make a weekly progress report, just to keep track of such things. Maybe it'll help me keep going.