A Novel Experience

Today, July 12, 2006--I know it says differently at the bottom--was a pretty standard day.

I got up, had breakfast, went to the comic book store to look at the new comics. Talked about movies, comics, anything that came up. Went and got something to eat later on, as well as picked up the newest Stand Alone Complex DVD. Then I talked on the phone with a few people and everything was cool.

Then I checked my e-mail and it all came crashing down. The more I examine my life over the last few months, the more I think that I need to stop wanting things from other people. I want to get a job, so I turn in an application, which doesn't get read or responded to and I nearly have a nervous breakdown. On a side note, I'm planning on hitting that up that avenue of thought again soon.

As I said, I checked my e-mail. It's well known that I wanted to hear something from Dr. Scheibe about my thesis. I e-mailed him about it and told him as much. He actually e-mailed me back. He gave me a list, likely a partial list, of three items that I could work on. For each of these things, there's only a 50% chance at best of me being able to do it.

Give an account of swamp rabbit distribution in specific detail I can do; give references for, sorry out of my price range since I need the free variety.

Go through a list of another student's sites and list locations where I think there should be swamp rabbits; not likely. I'm not sure he can make much sense out of the directions to the sites, I know I can't, which is why my thesis is built around GIS now.

Put all latitude and longitude data into an appendix, I can do. Put it all on a plat or topographic map, I'm not so sure.

There's a concept in animal behavior known as giving up density. It states that an animal will only forage for resources in a specific place under specific conditions for so long before giving up and leaving. The animal says "it's not worth it for me to do this." I'm almost to that point. It won't take much more for me to completely give up on the thesis. I'm broke, I feel like I've stolen money from my sister and grandparents, committed fraud, and have gained nothing from it.

I feel my sanity slipping away. I'm not just saying that either. I can think of about five people who have witnessed my actual mental state when it comes to my thesis. To have any chance of retaining my sanity and/or dodging my nervous breakdown, I'm going to have to go find the campus counseling office and take advantage of the free therapists. Happy Birthday Me.

On that note, check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nervous_breakdown and look over my recent posts concerning my thesis work. I did and I'm curious as to what you might think.

Anger

Our culture uses the term "anger" quite a bit. It so easily gets tangled in as one of a group of terms for the same emotional state. Mad. Enraged. Frustrated. But all these are different entities.

Anger is a state of intensified, lingering frustration and rage. Anger is what you feel when things have gone too far. Anger is what you feel when you truly, if only for a moment, want bad things to happen to other people. In that sense, anger is the place where revenge is born.

What we do with and about anger is what shapes us into who we are. Some people use anger to fuel them to be productive, in creative or social ways. Others use it as a reason to destroy, smashing things of beauty or ideas of public interest.

I've felt anger about some things, but instead of dwelling on it, I wrote out my grievances and filed them away for, if necessary, later use. Since I've already done that, I thought I might give you a chance to air your thoughts on anger.

Devestating Delays by Committee

I'm going to start with the good before I start ranting about the situation--

I've spoken with the Biology faculty on my committee. Both have recieved my thesis draft. Scheibe plans on getting me some comments by the end of the week.

Now, I'll complain.

I didn't hear squat from anyone until I went and spoke to them in person, the exception being Cwick who has... "vanished." (I'm sure he went on vacation.) Eddleman has the presence and personality where he could say the nicest sentence ever and it would come off as adversarial. His reasoning for refusing to read it was sound--not needing to mark all the same things twice--but it revealed what he really thought, that he didn't want to read it unless he absolutely had to. Thanks.

I alluded to this a moment ago, but these guys are all going on vacations. I put that as a plural because one of them is going on more than one vacation within a month. If you're not going to be around, you should be officially gone for the whole month, especially if you're only going to be around for one week in the middle of the month.

This is all from the standpoint of July 3. Unless I get at least one corrected draft read by the entire committee and agreed upon the week of July 17-21, I won't have the possibility of defending until AUGUST 7 at the earliest.

I'm going to give out blame now. It's overdue and it's only fair, since each member of the committee has done their part to fuck me over. In chronological order:

Me: If I'd started on the real work of the thesis earlier, the chances of my current delays and screwovers would be much less. Not gone, just less.
Scheibe: 7 times out of 10, he wasn't in his office when he told me he would be. Top it off with going to a conference for a week, and he's done his part.
Cwick: Hello? Hello? Dr. Cwick? Hello? Are you out there somewhere?
Eddleman: Practice what you preach there buddy.

Let me tell you what he preaches. All biology teaching assisstants are emphatically mandated to check their e-mail frequently (at least once daily), be present for their office hours, or at least leave a note as to where they'll be. These guys aren't doing that. I think there was something in there also about not being adversarial with students.

I could probably get into a lot of trouble for saying everything I've just said. Not because it violates anything, just that it might turn someone from that list against me. Still, I'm posting this because I want to record what's going on as things progress and because it needs to be said.

Everyone is being civil about my thesis. Everyone is doing their job with regards to my thesis. No one is actively trying to fuck me. If that were the case, that person would have made an enemy of me.

Finally, I do have to report that, after hearing today's developments regarding my thesis, I have committed fraud. I walked in spring graduation, which I now, almost officially, had no right to do. As it stands, I walked in spring, finished my work in the summer, and might, just might, graduate in fall. I'm glad I've got The Silent Covenant to work on.