Rebuilding

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever received came from one of my thesis committee members, Dr. Eddleman. In regard to my thesis, he said I had to get going on it for one reason, "You're the only one who can make yourself do it." I might not have the quote exactly right, but it's sound reasoning. It's one of the things I used to push myself just a little more as I wrote the first draft of Vitamin F.

Now that the Fall 2008 semester has started at SEMO, I know the time I have left on my thesis is truly limited. I have to find a few values (which are doing their best to hide from me) and apply them to a modeling program. Once I have that, I find out what Dr. Scheibe thinks we need from that, extract it, and describe the whole thing in the text of my thesis. I've just got to find those values first.

My time in the sciences has fueled a lot of how I work and think. It would be unfair for me to not also mention that one of my coworkers has pointed out that I have an interesting contradiction: I'm scientific and logical on many fronts, all while being emotional and passionate at the same time. Do I blatantly advertise these things? No, I reserve them as the samurai would.

And, just as the samurai would, I let go of "making myself write." I found the writer in me again, along with the scientist and the guy who reads novels during lunch breaks. During the downtimes at work this evening, I managed to transcribe three pages, solidly describing Commander's interrogation methods. I'm slowly building to him saying to his victim the line, "I am the whirlwind." I'm looking forward to trying to get there.

As for Vitamin F, Bridgett's tale needs time to rest still. I've already started to make notes--with pen and paper--on how I can better enhance a few things. Chapters 19 and 20 still have their issues, so I might have to recruit Lyndsey's active advice on the solutions I have. (I'd post them here, but I'm not sure I'd get any feedback to speak of.)

Ruling the World

I've mentioned hidden agendas in writing before, along with subversive messages. I bring it up again because I've figured out the secret message hidden in my lead characters. This applies to The Golden Hollow as much as it applies to Vitamin F, or Ashes of War. My lead characters, to some noticeable degree, are looking for an intimate companion (or soul mate if you prefer that term).

And I never thought I'd listen to much Coldplay, much less buy one of their albums. However Viva La Vida or Death And All His Friends is actually quite good. The track "Yes" speaks to a lot of the themes and ideas I've been contemplateing in the past few weeks, while "Viva La Vida" could be a theme to an older version of Commander; and, yes, it does primarily discuss the trials of a deposed ruler.

I also started up another little project. Why I Shouldn't Rule The World is a blog designed as a satirical message of policies I would enact if I were to gain undisputed rule over a country of great influence (like this one). Check it out, comment on it. All comments are going to be accepted as "the voices of the people."

Quarter-Life Crisis and Solutions

In short, I don't feel like I've accomplished much, I'm increasingly apathetic when I'm with friends (I don't mean to be, honest), I'm feel a great deal of loneliness, I see other people's personal successes when I see none for myself, and I have "the worst luck ever" when it comes to trying to get a date. These are all listed reasons for a Quarter-Life Crisis.

So I've asked myself two questions to solve this. 1. How did this happen? 2. What can I do about it?

How did this happen?
Around July 4th, I was bad low on funds (another indicator), and I went to Oran to spend the day with a few friends at the Madcackler's place. It was a good time and we even blew some shit up. Then this little bitch shows up; she's nice enough, "neighborly" to use an archaic term. She brings over more explosives and sort of hits on all four of us there, even though she's in high school, and we're all college or later. The little bitch talks with us about anime and manga, so we don't think she's a bitch at all. She asks about playing Halo 3, so we do that.

Side note--I suck at Halo 2 and 3. I don't own them, nor do I own the machines they're played on. And I don't like to spend my time engaging in things that will piss me off, which vapid assholes and fratboys (the target audience of Halo 2 and 3) do frequently.

The little bitch brings her X-Box over, the Cackler sets everything up, and we play. All gametypes I really suck at too, so all I can do with any degree of success is kill myself. Eventually, the little bitch mentions how she manged to beat "the old guy," hence the title I've bestowed on her.

Being called "the old guy" was the keystone that started everything going wild. From there, I had to chaos of my actual birthday just over a week later. That was one really shitty day, until Joe and Angie gave me an impromptu birthday (cup)cake and gift (a Milton Berle quiote plaque). It was really nice and that turned things around. Then Lyndsey went out of her way and did something too.

I said before that Lyndsey was either the exact right or exact wrong person to do something for me under that situation. I've mentioned her on here before, and while I've told her about this blog, I don't think she reads it (which is why I could get away with what I'm about to say). She's a good friend, the Ideal Reader for Vitamin F, and I really, really, really like her. I'm incredibly attracted to her and have had to fight myself on that on repeated occasions. (And Lyndsey, if you do read this, I'm fairly certain that you're already aware of the fact that I like you.)

For a few weeks, I had good reason to think I had a real chance with Lyndsey. I don't now, but it's not because of anything I did. Things got better for her, that's all. To go into any more detail would derail the whole reason behind this post. However, I can say that, as of late, I've felt like real shit because of that whole situation. I've felt like I have to do something, but I have no idea what that might be.

What can I do about it?
I can't do anything about Lyndsey, but I can do plenty about me. I console myself with the harsh adage that "If it were easy, I wouldn't want it," something I thought of to apply toward writing, but I think it can be applied toward everything that's worth having.

I started something else, too. Any time I feel like shit, from now on, I'm going to try to do something nice for someone else. I'll give out compliments, or tell people reassuring things. I'm going to eventually give a random card to those three friends who spontaneously did something for me at work on my birthday. I've started sending out e-mails to everybody on my e-mail list, a few at a time, just telling them five things that I think when I think about them.

Maybe, when I get to the bottom of that list, I might feel a little more like my old self. I don't know, but it's the only thing I've though of so far, so that's what I'm doing. When my brain works right again, I'll really get some writing done as well.

Sometimes The Juice Is Worth The Squeeze

Ever wonder if something is worth the effort? Of course you have, you wouldn't be alive otherwise.

I've been dealing with a few varied things lately--a pretty girl, my thesis, writing Mind & Machine, undue stresses at work. I told myself yesterday that I had to find a way to relax before Monday or I would absolutely go insane. My way of accomplishing this: watching the movie The Girl Next Door.

Surprisingly great movie. It's got some of the most absurd laughs ever in a movie. More than that, it has a serious dark side that lets to story grow in ways that a coming-of-age comedy usually wouldn't have. It's also a really good modern example of the Joseph Campbell's Cycle of the Hero. And it's a story about a guy who has big dreams finds the right girl, even though he has to confront "moral fiber" in order to be with her; a character I can obviously relate to.

Other news, I found a good beat to write on for Mind & Machine. I've been wanting to explore the tension of Commander and Kathryn's mental interaction in a physical scene (rather than trying to describe a dreamscape or an astral plane). I realized one of the key weaknesses Kathryn has in this story is her relationship with a man named James. I wanted to give her a good man to date, someone who would make the world a better place, if only by example. Kathryn, in the new scene, has just seen James' picture for the first time after going through her book-long ordeal and comes to understand not only what she's lost, but one of the causes for that loss.

Tomorrow should be fun. I gave myself two options. Option one is to ask the previously-mentioned pretty girl to go to lunch with me sometime. Option two is to have someone beat the shit out of me. Hopefully, I'll choose option one. After all, I think the juice is worth the squeeze. (If you've seen The Girl Next Door, you'll understand that line.)

Sometimes You've Got to Roll a Hard Six

Wether it's work, interacting with others, or racing the Cylons to find the planet Earth, there are times when you've just got to stick to your guns and do what you must. I'm having to dance around several things at the moment, things that make me have to stick to my guns.

At work, I get to open on days I usually don't, just so I can sort through every single bit of paper dealing with Stephenie Meyer's Breaking Dawn. Then, I get to close every time I work next week while another of my coworkers gets to go on vacation while I wait to never use mine.

If I do get to use my vacation, it'll be to take care of my family, not to have a moment to relax on my own. I don't really want to get into it other than to say a week in Neelyville is not an appealing concept.

I keep letting myself get distracted from my thesis work. Pretty soon (say next week), I'll just have to tell everybody to leave me alone for a while so I can get some work done. (No, I won't run everybody off, not really.)

Then there's my constant distraction, the cause of my torment, the potential of compassion and interaction. I need to try to make some progress on that quasi-romantic front. I'm having nightmares that punish me for not doing so.

But I'll persevere. I always have and I always will, God willing.