The Paragraph That Plagues Me
I've got a paragraph in "The Golden Hollow" that's been driving me nuts. I flow over every part of the story with same satisfaction except for one paragraph early in the story. I need to get some thoughts on it, which is why I'm calling on all of you to reply and tell me what you think of the paragraph.
Since I need feedback, I should remind you all of the basic rules of feedback. First, saying, "I liked it," or "I think it's dumb," doesn't count for much. I need to know WHY you think what you think. The more you can tell me, the better. Second, tell me what you really think. If you think it sucks, don't tell me it's good. Third, just think about what's on the page. Don't let anything I've told you about what I want to do with my writing to influence you.
For those of you who have read "The Golden Hollow" before, you can tell me what you think of the paragraph in terms with the rest of the story. Anyone who wants the story in full, ask and receive.
From here on is the opening of the story, ending with the emboldened paragraph of note:
"Is there something I can help you with?" the tall man asked with an edge to his voice. He had turned away from his sub-tropical view as a man in a casual suit sat down across from him.
"A few questions is all," the man in the casual suit said, extending a hand. "Kadon Miller." The tall man took the hand and Kadon's eyes jolted open.
"What is it?" the tall man asked.
"I thought you were a myth. An urban legend that plagues the dreams of criminals." Between short breaths, Kadon said, "You're the Commander." Kadon put his hands on the table to keep his balance. "I didn't expect this."
Thoughts?
Since I need feedback, I should remind you all of the basic rules of feedback. First, saying, "I liked it," or "I think it's dumb," doesn't count for much. I need to know WHY you think what you think. The more you can tell me, the better. Second, tell me what you really think. If you think it sucks, don't tell me it's good. Third, just think about what's on the page. Don't let anything I've told you about what I want to do with my writing to influence you.
For those of you who have read "The Golden Hollow" before, you can tell me what you think of the paragraph in terms with the rest of the story. Anyone who wants the story in full, ask and receive.
From here on is the opening of the story, ending with the emboldened paragraph of note:
"Is there something I can help you with?" the tall man asked with an edge to his voice. He had turned away from his sub-tropical view as a man in a casual suit sat down across from him.
"A few questions is all," the man in the casual suit said, extending a hand. "Kadon Miller." The tall man took the hand and Kadon's eyes jolted open.
"What is it?" the tall man asked.
"I thought you were a myth. An urban legend that plagues the dreams of criminals." Between short breaths, Kadon said, "You're the Commander." Kadon put his hands on the table to keep his balance. "I didn't expect this."
Thoughts?
posted by LEN! at 2:26 AM
4 Comments:
hey len...i think the end of the paragraph is actually pretty good. However, in the beginning of it and towards the middle, you used the phrase (or some sort of the phrase) "the man" something like 5 or 6 times maybe. this all in the course of as many lines. For me, this seems to be the only problem. Use differnt types of phrases or throw in a "he said" instead of the "tall man" said, or the "man in the casual suit said". I think by using terms that have simplicity every now and then would actually be better. Your reader will still be able to keep up and understand with no problems.
by the way...send me a copy
I'm not much of an editor...but if you don't mind, I took the liberty of re-writing it a bit, to make it run a little more smoothly, IMHO. This is, of course, just suggestion. Here goes:
"Is there something I can help you with?" asked the tall man, a sharp edge to his tone. He turned away, reluctantly, from the spectacular sub-tropical view as a casually-dressed man sat down across from him.
"I just have a few questions," the other man said, extending his hand. "I'm Kadon Miller." His eyes widened suddenly, as the taller man shook his hand.
"What is it?" the tall man asked.
"I...I thought you were a myth. An urban legend of the kind that plagues the dreams of criminals," he said, his breath coming rapidly. "The Commander." Kadon put his hands on the table, steadying himself. "I certainly didn't expect this."
Jonathan, some of your edits are sharp reminders that those who are unfamiliar with my work (namely everybody) will require the writing to be as clear as possible. The main thing you've removed are the euphamisms I use when I talk and my minor efforts at phonetic writing.
April, I've been busy lately, so your copy is coming, I've just got to find a good opportunity to send you the file.
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