Personal Code--A Commanding Thought
For a long time, as long as I can remember, I've thought of my personality as a sponge--soaking up the traits I see in others, but never generating anything that I can really say is my own. One exception to this is my sense of honor, which I've spoken about before.
From this honor, I've noted, seen, and done several things. From these, I've had some revelations. To start, I always knew that this semester was going to let me prove who I really am. I just didn't know how right I was.
Trying to a sizeable portion of my thesis this semester has been rough, but far from unbearable. I've yet to go searching out caffiene pills to keep myself going. I haven't done all that much work on the weekends. Despite that, I've still gotten a lot of work done. I just told myself from day one that I was going to get through this, I am going to finish. Honestly, I went from being about 1% finished with my analysis over a week ago to being around 85% done now.
In all this time, my classes haven't really suffered. I've got group work to do, articles to read, abstracts to write, but I still stay ahead. Plus, I still read, watch anime, listen to a lot of music, and hang out with my friends.
I've even been interested in a girl I'm around on a regular basis. Not going into a lot of detail on that, just saying that I know I'm interested in this girl, physically and mentally.
The first girl I was ever really interested in, I was interested in first because of the mental part. I won't disguise this--I started to like Kathryn because of her mind. Is it a coincidence that she had such an impression on me? When I think about myself as a sponge, I see a lot that I picked up, at least partially, because of her. I really care about Kathryn, just as much as I care for any of my friends. Now, before anyone starts running for the stalker hotline, you might want to take note of this next part.
I had a dream recently. I didn't know I was dreaming. I was talking to Kathryn, in person. We talked for a long time. After a while, she had to leave. As she left, I felt as though, if I followed Kathryn, I could have a chance with her, to really be with her. I was about to take a step forward, but I stopped when I felt a sensation coming from her. She felt a great deal of love, undeniable love, but it wasn't aimed at me. So I stopped. I sat down. And I let her go find her love.
When I woke up, I realized I had really done part of that last sentence: I let her go.
In the past day or so, I've thought about all these things. They come and go in my mind. Tonight, I was so charged over getting so much accomplished, I felt the lengths my will had gone to get me where I am. Then I realized what I'd done. I had willed myself to succeed in getting work done on my thesis. Whenever I'm really behind something, I will myself to move forward.
My force of will is my own. It's something I haven't copied from anyone's personality. I haven't inherited it from my ancestors. I haven't developed it in response to emulate any of my personal heroes. I've willed myself to keep going, to succeed. And I will succeed.
From this honor, I've noted, seen, and done several things. From these, I've had some revelations. To start, I always knew that this semester was going to let me prove who I really am. I just didn't know how right I was.
Trying to a sizeable portion of my thesis this semester has been rough, but far from unbearable. I've yet to go searching out caffiene pills to keep myself going. I haven't done all that much work on the weekends. Despite that, I've still gotten a lot of work done. I just told myself from day one that I was going to get through this, I am going to finish. Honestly, I went from being about 1% finished with my analysis over a week ago to being around 85% done now.
In all this time, my classes haven't really suffered. I've got group work to do, articles to read, abstracts to write, but I still stay ahead. Plus, I still read, watch anime, listen to a lot of music, and hang out with my friends.
I've even been interested in a girl I'm around on a regular basis. Not going into a lot of detail on that, just saying that I know I'm interested in this girl, physically and mentally.
The first girl I was ever really interested in, I was interested in first because of the mental part. I won't disguise this--I started to like Kathryn because of her mind. Is it a coincidence that she had such an impression on me? When I think about myself as a sponge, I see a lot that I picked up, at least partially, because of her. I really care about Kathryn, just as much as I care for any of my friends. Now, before anyone starts running for the stalker hotline, you might want to take note of this next part.
I had a dream recently. I didn't know I was dreaming. I was talking to Kathryn, in person. We talked for a long time. After a while, she had to leave. As she left, I felt as though, if I followed Kathryn, I could have a chance with her, to really be with her. I was about to take a step forward, but I stopped when I felt a sensation coming from her. She felt a great deal of love, undeniable love, but it wasn't aimed at me. So I stopped. I sat down. And I let her go find her love.
When I woke up, I realized I had really done part of that last sentence: I let her go.
In the past day or so, I've thought about all these things. They come and go in my mind. Tonight, I was so charged over getting so much accomplished, I felt the lengths my will had gone to get me where I am. Then I realized what I'd done. I had willed myself to succeed in getting work done on my thesis. Whenever I'm really behind something, I will myself to move forward.
My force of will is my own. It's something I haven't copied from anyone's personality. I haven't inherited it from my ancestors. I haven't developed it in response to emulate any of my personal heroes. I've willed myself to keep going, to succeed. And I will succeed.
posted by LEN! at 1:06 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home